CHUCK NORRIS HILARIOUS FACTS

A year or two back I was on some site that collects the Chuck Norris “facts”.

I picked out my favorites and made a text. I just ran across this text and thought I’d share it.

Formatting isn’t perfect here but I don’t have time for tiny edits. There may be a few dupes. If at least some of these don’t make you laugh, you must be very ill. Many of these are quite clever, in fact a few are so witty you really have to think a few seconds. I did not create these (I wish I did), but give me credit for finding the best ones out of the list.

This works best if you have 20 minutes to spare so you can get yourself hysterical by reading all of them AT ONCE.

If you think there’s too much testosterone here, well, too damned bad, just enjoy the wit, that’s all that matters! Chuck Norris told me to say that, and I don’t need a roundhouse kick to the face!

If you’re a woman and you can’t find anything funny here, you’re a damned stiff. Or maybe I should say a “limp”. And I can say I like feminist humor, so don’t give me shit.

If you’re a guy and you can’t find anything funny here, you’re a stiff and probably not possessed of sexual apparatus, maybe you’re a thwarted autoerotic school teacher from the year 1842 in Puritan New England. Historically and pedantically speaking, of course. I have nothing against autoerotics.

Part way down is a list of ones that Chuck Norris likes himself.

Enjoy!

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way.

Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

When Chuck Norris says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

When God said, “let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say ‘please’.”

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Chuck Norris’s version of a “chocolate milkshake” is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris got his driver’s license at the age of 16. Seconds.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

If you rearrange the letters in “Chuck Norris”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”. The words “with his fists” are understood.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.

Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

Chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.

Chuck Norris uses 8’x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman survives.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of Visine.

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

The word ‘Kill’ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem– It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”

When Arnold says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris’ Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree Mason.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris was the original sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his “Filet of Child” sandwich.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Forty seven times.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay’s potato chips, saying “Betcha can’t eat just one!” Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

Chuck Norris’ favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N’ Gravel.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Most people know that Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have blood. He is filled with magma.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

“One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Chuck Norris! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘Chuck Norris’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'”

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.

When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn’t have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris uses red hot lava to moisturize his skin.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.

On the Asian market, Chuck Norris’ urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.

The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain.  Chuck Norris’ agent has been missing for almost 2 years now.  Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself.  The last thing that person ever heard was the whooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

PICKED BY CHUCK NORRIS HIMSELF:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

END OF HIS PICKS.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

BACK TO THE REST OF THE LIST:

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn’t submitted them to the site because he doesn’t believe in any form of submission.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims “6 Feet of Fun” is actually the trademark for his penis.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s fucking beef.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, “Who is Chuck Norris?” to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

Switzerland isn’t really neutral. They just haven’t figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is Courage?” Chuck Norris received an “A+” for writing only the words “Chuck Norris” and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris doesn’t give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with “Its not me, its you”.

One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris “Chick Norris”. He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy’s wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he’s playing poker.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says “Go”. This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it’s probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain’t no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people’s teeth, though.

The Grand Canyon is the result of Chuck Norris’ temper tantrum after he lost the election. His platform was, “I’m against abortion, but for killing babies.”

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is in no way responsible for the advent of the computer era. However, he did invent silicon after winning a bet with Thelonious Monk by eating nothing but sand for forty days.

A kid once stole Chuck Norris’ hat and ran into an apple orchard. Chuck Norris flew into such a rage that he accidentally invented apple sauce.

Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle has been made certain by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was abducted by 3 aliens, but only once. He returned after he anally probed the 3 aliens as well as their spacecraft. Chuck Norris likes to probe only an even number of things.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to do anything for a Klondike Bar. In fact, it’s the Klondike Bar that must do something for Chuck Norris in order to be eaten with mercy.

Whereas most people are killed by a BAC of .45, Chuck Norris only passes out when the alcohol in his veins is less than 5% blood.

The McRib sandwich only comes back when Chuck Norris is in the mood for one.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to use the toilet because he beats enough shit out of other people.

Brokeback Mountain is actually the name for the burial site of all the women Chuck Norris has had sex with.

When Chuck Norris goes to a wedding, he’s always the best man.

At the end of Harry Potter’s final book, Chuck Norris kills Voldemort with a roundhouse kick to the head. There, I just saved you 8 hours of reading.

Chuck Norris once read that if a Leprechaun is captured it is obligated to give its captor the pot of gold that it keeps hidden at the end of a rainbow. Within a half hour Chuck Norris had a basement full of Leprechauns and more gold then Mr. T.

The sweat from Chuck Norris’ testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.

Chuck Norris has no pancreas. He instead has a retroperitoneal waffle iron that excretes a pancreatic juice made of liquid vengeance.

In 1985 Chuck Norris entered a science fair for disadvantaged 8-12 year old Spanish children. His premise was that the speed and force of his roundhouse kicks actually disproved many of the laws our understanding of physics is based on. Despite lacking any actual proof for this theory Chuck was awarded first place in all categories. Every year since Chuck has been awarded a special merit award for “Please don’t hurt us”.

4 out of 5 doctors agree, the doctor who disagreed with Chuck Norris learned his lesson.

Chuck Norris keeps a Total Gym in his backpack that he wears at all times. If at any point Chuck feels like his masculinity is questioned, he will bust out the Total Gym, rip his shirt off, and start working out at a cardio-vascular pace. All while repeating “Look how hairy I am!” over and over again.

Chuck Norris was told by Dr. Phil once that he had anger management issues. Chuck Norris then proceded to uppercut Dr. Phil in the nards.

Chuck Norris. . . Impregnating virgins, and keeping them that way, since 9 Months B.C.

The wood Chuck didn’t in fact Chuck any wood because Chuck Norris kicked its ass for having the same name.

Yoda was once “6,4”, black, and talked normal, he then made the mistake of saying Chuck Norris sucks.

Elvis left the building because Chuck Norris showed up and told him to get the fuck out.

Chuck Norris performs cold fusion in his left testicle, and nuclear fission in his right.

When Chuck Norris goes on Oprah he doesn’t jump on the couch. He throws it into the audience, roundhouse kicks Oprah in the face, and then works out on a total gym while the surviving members on the audience watch in amazement.

Chuck Norris is the only man on Earth who can say, “Try a bite of this quiche… it’s exquisite” and still strike fear into hearts of men.

If someone asks Chuck Norris what his favorite song is, he roundhouse kicks them in the face until they beg for mercy. He then tells them that’s music to his ears.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, “Please don’t kill me.” Too bad Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic.

The idea for “The Incredible Hulk” came about when Stan Lee witnessed Chuck Norris trying to solve a Rubick’s cube. Chuck spun each side twice, and when the puzzle wasn’t solved, he threw a subway car full of people into a Subway restaurant full of people.

There is no such thing as love. There is only the absence of Chuck Norris’ rage.

When Chuck Norris had to cry in Walker Texas Ranger, they called Industrial Light & Magic.

Chuck Norris likes to dress up in a “Barney” suit and visit the local kindergartens. When the happy little children ask Chuck to sing a song he roundhouse kicks the shit out of them, removes his mask, and says, “I’m not a jukebox, you little fucker.”

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn’t real, it’s when he learns Chuck Norris is.

The night before they opened Al Capone’s vault, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it open and took all the money.

If Chuck Norris was a woman, then he wouldn’t have a period. He would have an exclamation point.

Chuck Norris has his own zip code and post office. This lessens risk of his mail being delivered to the wrong place which would be a deadly mistake.

Chuck Norris combs his hair with a rake, he wipes is ass with poison ivy, and he drinks beer with his cereal.

The original “Fantastic Four” consisted of Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Vin Diesel, and Bruce Lee. They broke up shortly after an argument between Chuck and Bruce concerning a bag of Cheetos, which resulted in the real cause behind Bruce Lee’s death. “Fantastic Three” just didn’t have the same ring to it.

JAY LENO FACTS

He does fine on 4 to 5 hours a night for sleep.

His car collection is in 3 warehouses. Each is the size of a football field. He has 4 guys working there full time.

On YouTube he has dozens and dozens of vids under “Jay Leno’s Garage”. I love them, they’re really good. His taste in cars is mine, basically.

He started out as a detail kid at a dealership when he was about 16, later became a mechanic and worked for a dealership maintaining Mercedes and Rolls Royces. He’s a true mechanic, in any case, and I suspect he knows more than the average mechanic.

When you watch his vids, it’s clear this is a guy who doesn’t need writers for his comedy. He’s just a naturally funny guy. One of my faves is when he talked about running one of his Stanley Steamers on the freeway at 70 mph. He said it’s like “driving a bar stool at 70 mph”. (!!)

As you can see on his vids, more than a few times he’s created state of the art vehicles from scratch, like a car and a motorcycle that use helicopter turbine engines.

In addition to gas, he also collects electric and steam cars from all eras. If you like cars at all, just spending time on his vids is fun and educational. He’s a guy who’s way more than just a collector.

He also works hard to promote the field for repair techs by trying to encourage kids to get that education. He writes articles for car industry repair trade magazines (I’ve seen at least two myself).

Net Worth:
$350 Million
Jay Leno’s Annual Salary (when at Tonight Show)
$15 Million Per Year
Date of Birth
April 28, 1950
Place of Birth
New Rochelle (but if I’m not mistaken, he primarily grew up in Andover Mass, or at least Mass.)

Jay Leno has a net worth of $350 million and an annual salary of $15 million (when at the Tonight Show). On top of his Tonight Show salary, Jay earns an additional $15 – $20 million per year from a hectic stand up touring schedule. Jay has stated in past interviews that 100% of the money he earns from The Tonight Show, after taxes and fees, goes directly into his bank account and he just lives off his stand up earnings.

Incredibly, Jay also confirmed that he does not have an agent or a manager to help him negotiate deals. (Sheesh, that saved him a ton of money right there, and I’m sure he was up to the task). Apart from the car collection, he’s a very frugal guy.

Leno owns approximately 886 vehicles (769 automobiles and 117 motorcycles). Also keep in mind that quite a few of his cars were bought when cheap, but are worth a lot more now. He has stated he does not sell vehicles; he keeps everything he buys, which is not true for most collectors.

Leno is dyslexic and has a prominent jaw, which has been described as mandibular prognathism. In the book Leading with My Chin he stated that he is aware of surgery that could reset his mandible, but does not wish to endure a prolonged healing period with his jaws wired shut. It appeared to me his older brother did not have that kind of jaw. (My view is that if his jaw does not give him pain, then why do anything? Everybody’s used to it anyway.)

Leno’s older brother Patrick Leno (10 years older), a Vietnam Veteran and graduate of Yale Law School, died in 2002 at the age of 62 due to complications from cancer. I think he was a lawyer but not sure.

He contributes or spends time helping charities.

By mutual agreement he and his wife Mavis (married 1980) have no kids.  Leno does not drink or smoke, nor does he gamble. He spends most of his free time visiting car collections or working in his private garage.

“It’s cheaper to have 35 cars and 1 wife than 1 car and 35 wives.” I like that quote, funny as usual.

He has a regular column in Popular Mechanics which showcases his car collection and gives advice about various automotive topics, including restoration and unique models, such as his jet-powered motorcycle and solar-powered hybrid. Leno also writes occasional “Motormouth” articles for The Sunday Times, reviewing high-end sports cars and giving his humorous take on automotive matters.

I made a point to record his last night on the Tonight Show. I think I saved his goodbye onto a DVD. It was an incredibly moving 3 minutes or so, and he had a hard time getting through it. Me, too. The focus was on “family”.

There were those various controversies regarding all the slop with what host deserved to be hosting whatever some time back when all those shows were in upheaval. My take is that Leno was not a bad guy. He might’ve made one statement early in the game that was innocent based on what he thought the network was going to do, that might’ve been premature, but was not a bad guy kinda thing by any stretch.

What is it about late night talk show hosts being on the tall side?

Leno 5’11”
Fallon 6’0″
Ferguson 6’2″
Letterman 6’2″
O’Brien 6’4″

As far as the signature at the end of my emails lately below, I just really like that, and agree.

When driving a car:

“All the fun is between 40 and 110.”

-Jay Leno

WHY AM I BLOGGING?

SENT TO A FRIEND:

I was thinking about what you said today about me blogging. I’m back and forth on that. On the one hand, I’m not frightened of keyboards. On the other hand, I wonder if blogging is an activity for vanity or ego. Then on the other hand, what if people are actually entertained by it or look forward to it? Then on the other hand, how deep do I want to go with what’s on my mind? What if I decide to reveal that I like dressing up like Eva Braun and being whipped by a rabbi? What if I reveal that I really like music by The Wiggles?

Hey, here’s an idea! Have two blogs: one made to be interesting and entertaining to people who share my interests, and another on another URL under a pseudonym designed to be incredibly annoying and irritating. I bet I could make money off the latter one.

Seriously, the latter could be successful it was funny to people who are hip. Like me and you. Maybe I could create a character who embodies everything we hate. I’d probably have media giants contacting me wanting me to do a radio show.

MANUAL SEZ: NO YOUTUBE VIDEOS!

I downloaded the form for converting ET to cash. One of the four stipulations is that you can’t convert 80 hours. Okay, that still leaves me with 50 to use. Two of the stipulations were okay for me. Then the fourth stipulation is that you have to declare your intent the calendar year BEFORE! Which means I could do this if I had declared my intent back in 2011.

However there are two payment periods per year, July and December. Which means if I declared this year by December, I could have money the first week of July 2013. This does me absolutely no good for getting the Mustang, but I’ll just consider it in case I need some kind of cushion which may or may not come in handy by that time. I got a month to think about it.

My boss came by my desk and was talking to me about the Mustang, and was surprised to learn about the ET conversion and didn’t know about these details, but she’s only been here a year anyway. I gave her a copy of the form to peruse. She half apologized for giving me the suggestion, but of course I told her it had nothing to do with her as neither of us knew those details.

Funny thing, there are 3 women here who are pretty jazzed about the Mustang, and two for sure want to go for a ride, likely all 3. My male buddies are supportive, but aren’t as demonstrative as the females. Of course I’ll give any of them rides, as once I have it I’m sure some will want to check it out.

I have to admit as time goes on here I’m starting to get jazzed about it, as much as I’m trying not to. I think I’m pretty confident about pulling it off as at least the stripped version, though I’m still shooting for the optioned version.

I downloaded the owner’s manual, 437 pages. I’m a two thirds of the way through it.

The manual is so big because it has a lot of legalese boiler plate to protect them from idiots, often inside gray boxes. You know, the stuff like:

  1. Do not haul a U-Haul trailer full of concrete sacks up Pike’s Peak.
  2. Do not put it in neutral and relax with a jug of moonshine on the way down.
  3. Do not piss in the fuel filler pipe if you run out of fuel, thinking that it will work as well as gas after drinking moonshine.
  4. Do not let your 8 year old thumb 25 miles to the nearest gas station to fill a jug with gas after you realize pissing in the tank won’t work.
  5. Do not let your 8 year old reprogram the car’s computer.
  6. Do not put your 8 year old on your lap to use as an air bag. Do not entice them to sit on your lap by letting them steer the car.
  7. Do not let your kids play under the car after having them jack it up to change a tire.
  8. Do not refuse to use the seat belts because your tits might get squashed. That includes guys with man tits.
  9. Do not let your dog drive the car so you can make a cool YouTube video.
  10. Do not tie Grandma to the roof of the car, aim a GoPro camera at her face, and run at 150 mph to make another cool YouTube video.

 

HUMOR TO TAKE THE STING OUT OF SAVING MONEY

 A friend wrote after I said I bought some pants:

 Thank you for treating me to your mind blog.
 The upshot is that Chuck transgresses. At least it wasn’t really big bucks!

Glad you liked it. True, it’s not as expensive as that audio interface that killed two thirds of my Sweetwater card.

A few years back saw skinny Levi’s in bright green. Thought they’d be a good alternative to the gray ones you always see me wear. You’ve never seen me wear my jet black super skinny’s. Can find stuff like olive green, camo green.

I also decided when I go to the Green Day concert I wanted to wear skinny jeans that aren’t gray.

Anyway, was looking around for the bright green ones. Don’t exist anywhere anymore, just bright yellow and bright red. I do an internet search for bright jeans and see Hot Topic as the website for different colors.

Some pretty cool colors and even very cool patterns. No bright green. But there’s a sale on and I get a pair of purple for just under $32 shipped. Probably not as good quality as Levi’s, but it’s not like I’m wearing them every day.

I see the Hell Bunny jeans towards the top as being the real you:

http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Denim/Girls.jsp

You can scroll down that page for more. The Pink would be good for dog training classes, would get the attention of dogs, owners, surveillance satellites.

Anyway, tonight another transgression. Maybe I should use you as my witness to lack of willpower so I do better. Maybe not. Could be annoying for you.

What I really need is one of those archetypal dominatrixes at about 6’3″ tall, muscular, zaftig, Amazonian Nordic goddess build, black straight hair with bangs, severe and precise makeup. In the suitable costume. Wielding suitable instruments of persuasion.

Not my thing at all, which is probably why I actually need that scary specter over my shoulder every time I’m on a website! She’d whack my pee pee every time I start to copy and paste my credit card number.

Or maybe just hire some real life Amazon to stand behind me while I’m on the Amazon website. There are a few up at the hospital. They would probably only agree to smack me in the head. Find one that likes to beat up men and she’d do it for free.

“Hi, I’m going on Amazon tonight.”
“Okay, I’ll be right over, I demand that you don’t start until I get there.”

The trouble is, after 10 trips without transgressions, she’d finally be fed up with having no fun and beat the crap out of me anyway, then take me up to the emergency room, push me out of the car onto the parking lot near the door, and drive off.