Tag Archives: Humor

MANUAL SEZ: NO YOUTUBE VIDEOS!

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I downloaded the form for converting ET to cash. One of the four stipulations is that you can’t convert 80 hours. Okay, that still leaves me with 50 to use. Two of the stipulations were okay for me. Then the fourth stipulation is that you have to declare your intent the calendar year BEFORE! Which means I could do this if I had declared my intent back in 2011.

However there are two payment periods per year, July and December. Which means if I declared this year by December, I could have money the first week of July 2013. This does me absolutely no good for getting the Mustang, but I’ll just consider it in case I need some kind of cushion which may or may not come in handy by that time. I got a month to think about it.

My boss came by my desk and was talking to me about the Mustang, and was surprised to learn about the ET conversion and didn’t know about these details, but she’s only been here a year anyway. I gave her a copy of the form to peruse. She half apologized for giving me the suggestion, but of course I told her it had nothing to do with her as neither of us knew those details.

Funny thing, there are 3 women here who are pretty jazzed about the Mustang, and two for sure want to go for a ride, likely all 3. My male buddies are supportive, but aren’t as demonstrative as the females. Of course I’ll give any of them rides, as once I have it I’m sure some will want to check it out.

I have to admit as time goes on here I’m starting to get jazzed about it, as much as I’m trying not to. I think I’m pretty confident about pulling it off as at least the stripped version, though I’m still shooting for the optioned version.

I downloaded the owner’s manual, 437 pages. I’m a two thirds of the way through it.

The manual is so big because it has a lot of legalese boiler plate to protect them from idiots, often inside gray boxes. You know, the stuff like:

  1. Do not haul a U-Haul trailer full of concrete sacks up Pike’s Peak.
  2. Do not put it in neutral and relax with a jug of moonshine on the way down.
  3. Do not piss in the fuel filler pipe if you run out of fuel, thinking that it will work as well as gas after drinking moonshine.
  4. Do not let your 8 year old thumb 25 miles to the nearest gas station to fill a jug with gas after you realize pissing in the tank won’t work.
  5. Do not let your 8 year old reprogram the car’s computer.
  6. Do not put your 8 year old on your lap to use as an air bag. Do not entice them to sit on your lap by letting them steer the car.
  7. Do not let your kids play under the car after having them jack it up to change a tire.
  8. Do not refuse to use the seat belts because your tits might get squashed. That includes guys with man tits.
  9. Do not let your dog drive the car so you can make a cool YouTube video.
  10. Do not tie Grandma to the roof of the car, aim a GoPro camera at her face, and run at 150 mph to make another cool YouTube video.

 

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HUMOR TO TAKE THE STING OUT OF SAVING MONEY

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 A friend wrote after I said I bought some pants:

 Thank you for treating me to your mind blog.
 The upshot is that Chuck transgresses. At least it wasn’t really big bucks!

Glad you liked it. True, it’s not as expensive as that audio interface that killed two thirds of my Sweetwater card.

A few years back saw skinny Levi’s in bright green. Thought they’d be a good alternative to the gray ones you always see me wear. You’ve never seen me wear my jet black super skinny’s. Can find stuff like olive green, camo green.

I also decided when I go to the Green Day concert I wanted to wear skinny jeans that aren’t gray.

Anyway, was looking around for the bright green ones. Don’t exist anywhere anymore, just bright yellow and bright red. I do an internet search for bright jeans and see Hot Topic as the website for different colors.

Some pretty cool colors and even very cool patterns. No bright green. But there’s a sale on and I get a pair of purple for just under $32 shipped. Probably not as good quality as Levi’s, but it’s not like I’m wearing them every day.

I see the Hell Bunny jeans towards the top as being the real you:

http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Denim/Girls.jsp

You can scroll down that page for more. The Pink would be good for dog training classes, would get the attention of dogs, owners, surveillance satellites.

Anyway, tonight another transgression. Maybe I should use you as my witness to lack of willpower so I do better. Maybe not. Could be annoying for you.

What I really need is one of those archetypal dominatrixes at about 6’3″ tall, muscular, zaftig, Amazonian Nordic goddess build, black straight hair with bangs, severe and precise makeup. In the suitable costume. Wielding suitable instruments of persuasion.

Not my thing at all, which is probably why I actually need that scary specter over my shoulder every time I’m on a website! She’d whack my pee pee every time I start to copy and paste my credit card number.

Or maybe just hire some real life Amazon to stand behind me while I’m on the Amazon website. There are a few up at the hospital. They would probably only agree to smack me in the head. Find one that likes to beat up men and she’d do it for free.

“Hi, I’m going on Amazon tonight.”
“Okay, I’ll be right over, I demand that you don’t start until I get there.”

The trouble is, after 10 trips without transgressions, she’d finally be fed up with having no fun and beat the crap out of me anyway, then take me up to the emergency room, push me out of the car onto the parking lot near the door, and drive off.